The Vicious Cycle of Happy and Sad: Neverending Journey Through Grief

I am so tired of living on a roller coaster of emotions.  Really.  It makes me tired.

Some days, I want to just go to bed and start over the next day.  I can feel it, almost as soon as I wake up in the morning.  I am irritable, crabby, and can’t even stand myself.  Nothing anyone says will make it better and I will numb the pain and frustration sometimes just to get through the day.

Today is one of those days.  Sometimes, there is a trigger.  Sometimes, there isn’t.

God bless my Chapter 2 husband.  He stands by me on these awful days and tolerates my moodiness and grief.

I am happily married.  I was happily married.  I was not separated, or divorced.  I am a loyal person and truly took my commitment to Kyle to heart.  When we said our vows of “til death do us part”, I never imagined it would be at the prime of our lives.  I always pictured us growing old together and being able to look back on our full long lives.

The emotions of being widowed and remarried is like a rubber band.  I try to stretch it out and be happy and reach happy, then when I least expect it, I’m thrown back to the guilt of loving a new man and living life without Kyle.

These emotions are terminal.  I have found help in counseling, medicine, and friendships, but there is no cure.  I keep hoping that some day, the elasticity of the rubber band I feel like I live on, will lose elasticity.  Time has helped, but time hasn’t healed.

I hope that sharing this will help another widow, widower or anyone who has experienced a life-changing loss.  You aren’t alone in your rubber band of grief.  I’d say it’s normal, but I feel anything but.


Until the next therapy session where I write my feelings in order to help myself process them in hopes it helps someone else….. #longestrunonsentenceandhashtag




4 thoughts on “The Vicious Cycle of Happy and Sad: Neverending Journey Through Grief

  1. Kay Bedwell says:

    Sarah – I can truly understand that rubber band feeling. Ray & I were together for 43 years when he died. He lived a full life. We lived a full life. We were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together. I realized then that he spent the rest of his life with me. I have people tell me that I need to move on. I don’t want to move on – I don’t want or need a man to “fix me”. I would like a man to just be here. Not for the sex. That hurts anyway. LOL. hold my hand. walk on the trail. Go to the movies with me.

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