The Vicious Cycle of Happy and Sad: Neverending Journey Through Grief

I am so tired of living on a roller coaster of emotions.  Really.  It makes me tired.

Some days, I want to just go to bed and start over the next day.  I can feel it, almost as soon as I wake up in the morning.  I am irritable, crabby, and can’t even stand myself.  Nothing anyone says will make it better and I will numb the pain and frustration sometimes just to get through the day.

Today is one of those days.  Sometimes, there is a trigger.  Sometimes, there isn’t.

God bless my Chapter 2 husband.  He stands by me on these awful days and tolerates my moodiness and grief.

I am happily married.  I was happily married.  I was not separated, or divorced.  I am a loyal person and truly took my commitment to Kyle to heart.  When we said our vows of “til death do us part”, I never imagined it would be at the prime of our lives.  I always pictured us growing old together and being able to look back on our full long lives.

The emotions of being widowed and remarried is like a rubber band.  I try to stretch it out and be happy and reach happy, then when I least expect it, I’m thrown back to the guilt of loving a new man and living life without Kyle.

These emotions are terminal.  I have found help in counseling, medicine, and friendships, but there is no cure.  I keep hoping that some day, the elasticity of the rubber band I feel like I live on, will lose elasticity.  Time has helped, but time hasn’t healed.

I hope that sharing this will help another widow, widower or anyone who has experienced a life-changing loss.  You aren’t alone in your rubber band of grief.  I’d say it’s normal, but I feel anything but.

 

Until the next therapy session where I write my feelings in order to help myself process them in hopes it helps someone else….. #longestrunonsentenceandhashtag

#mslongwouldteartheseblogsUP!

#onlyStauntonpeoplewillgetthat

Sarah

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