I am so tired of living on a roller coaster of emotions. Really. It makes me tired.
Some days, I want to just go to bed and start over the next day. I can feel it, almost as soon as I wake up in the morning. I am irritable, crabby, and can’t even stand myself. Nothing anyone says will make it better and I will numb the pain and frustration sometimes just to get through the day.
Today is one of those days. Sometimes, there is a trigger. Sometimes, there isn’t.
God bless my Chapter 2 husband. He stands by me on these awful days and tolerates my moodiness and grief.
I am happily married. I was happily married. I was not separated, or divorced. I am a loyal person and truly took my commitment to Kyle to heart. When we said our vows of “til death do us part”, I never imagined it would be at the prime of our lives. I always pictured us growing old together and being able to look back on our full long lives.
The emotions of being widowed and remarried is like a rubber band. I try to stretch it out and be happy and reach happy, then when I least expect it, I’m thrown back to the guilt of loving a new man and living life without Kyle.
These emotions are terminal. I have found help in counseling, medicine, and friendships, but there is no cure. I keep hoping that some day, the elasticity of the rubber band I feel like I live on, will lose elasticity. Time has helped, but time hasn’t healed.
I hope that sharing this will help another widow, widower or anyone who has experienced a life-changing loss. You aren’t alone in your rubber band of grief. I’d say it’s normal, but I feel anything but.
Until the next therapy session where I write my feelings in order to help myself process them in hopes it helps someone else….. #longestrunonsentenceandhashtag