A Day in the Mind of THIS Widow

So, it was a “normal” Friday.  A normal day in the mind of THIS widow is laced with emotions, memories, guilt, happiness, sadness, and all felt while trying to seem like I am perfectly fine.  (BTW, the Prozac is still getting all the thanks for the days I seem “normal”.) The date was December 28, 2018.

10 Months Too Young

I woke up on this day, dreading the thoughts I knew would be entering my mind.  Camden, our 6, almost 7-year-old, was 10 months old when his father passed away. Our daughter, Mia, was turning 10 months TODAY.  I was flooded with emotions, thinking about how Kyle has missed SO much of Camden’s life. He never got to see him walk, say Daddy, celebrate his 1stbirthday, take him on his first hunting trip, buy him his first bike.  None of it. This is just the beginning.  For the rest of Camden’s life, he will not have Kyle help/witness/guide him for anything.  Not to mention, the fear I felt of something happening to AJ and doing life alone again.  For some reason, I feel like I just need to keep our family here and together after Mia lives through the 10 month mark.  Then, I’m going to feel some relief.  Maybe.


As I was driving to Trenton to pick up some things from the carpentry store, our song “Slide” by the Goo Goo Dolls came on the radio.  I used to tear up hearing this song, but now I get a warm fuzzy feeling.  Almost like butterflies.  The emotions from our first dates rush back to me and I pretend for a moment that it is 1998 again.








The Best Friends and Memories

Kyle was heavy on my mind that day.  I had plans to go to lunch with some friends from college.  My amazing 4 friends that have been there for me through it all. One of them, Tara, her husband’s name is also Kyle.  Nena, one of the girls, asked our friend Tara about Kyle’s work schedule.  Even though MY Kyle has been gone for over 6 years, my mind immediately thought, “Has Kyle given me his work schedule yet?”.  My last voicemail message from Kyle was about his work schedule the week after he was killed.  He was supposed to be working on the day we buried him, December 1.


Driving home from Josephines Tea Room in Godfrey—always our lunch of choice (best Lobster bisque EVER, btw—even if it was a little cold), seeing some of the familiar landmarks and roads that I used to drive to hygiene school, made me think about Kyle’s first house. He bought his first house when he was 19 years old–and get this….3 houses down from my parent’s house!  It was super convenient for me!  I loved that he wanted to live closer to me and that said a lot about what he thought of my family. I would commute to Godfrey for school, usually leaving from or heading to Kyle’s house.  One memory leads to many, many more.  Especially how proud I am of what Kyle achieved on his own.

Achieving the Unachievable

Kyle wasn’t encouraged to go to college.  He was encouraged to keep doing auto body work, because he was told that he wasn’t smart enough to do anything else.  I encouraged Kyle from early on in our relationship, to follow his dream and to not give up. Kyle didn’t have the best self-esteem growing up. This guy, who had just bought a house and paid all of his own bills, enrolled in school to study his long-time passion, criminal justice. He sold his newer truck and drove a clunker car, to be able to afford school and a household.  I found out later on, that he was actually broke. I had no idea.  We never skipped a date night and still got mozzarella cheese sticks as an appetizer at any restaurant we went to. Side note: (One of our favorite places to eat while dating, was Red Lobster.  Kyle would always order the Ultimate Feast.  A visit was never complete without having the stuffed mushroom appetizer either.) He wined and dined me like money wasn’t an issue.  Years later, he told me that he didn’t want to worry me about it and just wanted to make me happy.


The day ended full of emotion, but with smiles and gratitude for the time I had with Kyle.  I loved my life then, and I love my life now.  Talk about messing with my head.  Anyway, just the day in the life of me.


Until the next nap time,


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